FWYTTLSE?

Waking up this morning as if nothing happened. Being less care to anything, anyone around, except my family. Turned on the TV then turned it off again, not in a plan for taking a bath or cutting my hair. If only there's someone asking me to go out, i'll decline.
Wall in my room seems knew what i feel this day. It's June 12th and doesn't have intention for doing anything. Open up my laptop and sees how life been so boring through all that social networking and stuff. I thought I should watch some movies, tho i've watch them all but i'm too lazy to donwnload or buying new films, i watch them twice. Here it goes my day ended up watching Norwegian Wood movie for second times. No I didn't watch Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind if you know what i mean, i watch it like thousand times, and again, today i feel heartless not in the mood for crying.
At the end of the night, reason why i feel so lazy and bored all day is, the date it self. Three and a half years. Minds keep speak over and over to the other part of mind and heart; tomorrow will be 13th, time's ticking, time's moving, you'll forget, it was just like another day, life goes on and you'll be fine.
Another part in mind, a small little part who still keep it said, how could i forget, he's my first in everything. That Libra-man is everything. Does he forget the reason he loves me before? Or he just want to forget it. But he knows i keep that memory in mind and so is he. Why he did this? I'm quite a sure he realized it.
Both are againts each other and says why you keep so much 'why' in your head? Isn't that clear that he wants to erase you and have a new life? Is that true? Why? Why he become person that I'm no longer know. Why he mad at me, why does he defend things he shouldn't. Or if that should be defended, why he has to mad at me that hard. It hurts me a lot, that he knows how much things and attention, feelings that i have for him, and he knows it, but he keep mad at me. Why he has to be that cruel? He knows he's cheating for took a shortes way to get happiness in life. He avoid the pain, that's not good. And he keep thinking, 'Why you should be that emotional?' No, I'm not, I remain cool right know. It was just I don't get it. It hurt me so bad that my perspective of life, love, dream, has changed. What about us being married? Rising childs, have a house at that mountain, have a cow farm, potatoes field. With all my beliefs, i believe we're on that way but he break it.

"Fatty, why you try to love someone else?"

This sadness way too over rated, everyone knew it and so am i. My friends keep saying that i should stop all of this miserable thing. Being miserable is uncool, while otherwise I have to remain cool. And they said he doesn't deserved it, but they never met 'the one' that'd made them do the same thing as i did. I didn't listen to my friends, and why should you?

And now, as I'm letting you go, I'm wishing you a happy life, I'll be fine. I'll find peace within myself. And the pain that i've collected someday will be diminish by the time and myself, not a person nor others.

Will you remember me as the one whose sitting next to you? Carrying you bunch of love, kisses and hugs? And as a person you grow up with? If you do that, I'll be glad.

And in the end, like what you said to me, Thank you and take care. :)



I'm officially close this chapter and open next page of my story book with less drama, peace, and promise you, I'll remain cool. :)
(Listening to this song over and over, cause it's relevant and legit)

"you don't miss me, do you?"

I am this close to give up.

I find it difficult to
Relax in the summertime
With all the flowers in bloom
I creep across the countryside
With my net and my bait
And a pocketful of bailer twine

I break the promises I made
As I box up all the butterflies

I ruin
Everything
As I sit in a field of grass
In the spring
Listening
To the beat of its little heart
And to its wings
Struggling
For air under an upturned glass
And I put a pin
Through its wings

And I bottle it up,
I box it up,
And bury it in my heart

Just as I know my friends
I also know my enemies
Are the birds and the bees
And my own little insecurities

I creep around in the dark
And I tear up all the dandelions
And I break my own heart
As I box up all the butterflies

Tirelessly,
Following
Its tiny butterfly tracks
Across the field in the spring
With a plastic carrier bag

Full of fish,
Hooks, and string
I lay a little matchbox trap
And I put pin
Through its wings

And I bottle it up,
I box it up
And bury it in my heart

I folded up its furry wings
And opened up its little heart
It might sound stupid
But something about it made me want to pull it apart

And I bottle it up,
I box it up,
And bury it in my heart.


Hear it, and you'll understand.
I'm in this close to give up.
This close.

3.

I never thought It would be this far.
Tell me should I stop counting?

Happiness is an allegory.

"Being with 'him' I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I'm thankful for it. It's like that frozen pain and my very existence are one. The pain is an anchor, mooring me 'here'."

— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

once I see you from a far, you standing there.

times fly away. you still there and my ride goes fast.

now I see you still there. I'm not refused to go forward but I just love seeing you there, not too close, not too far.
and there's a light. light that makes you clear, makes me clearly see you.